To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.