“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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WHY?!
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
we’re dead?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver