Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself