To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.