shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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bias laundering edition
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.