“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
all bases covered
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.