Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.