Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
TODAY
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Every haunted house movie:
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!