A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.