I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
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Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
this came to me in a vision
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
worst…sale…ever
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”