therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”