Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.