Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
A woman drives into a bar.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
What even happened today?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it