I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
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I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U