It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I bet birds love this building.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
my first day as a raccoon
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think