I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
“and how does that make you feel?”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”