Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
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UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
awkward
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: