“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
This was a bad idea all around
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?