[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
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Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Jesus Christ lmao
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?