DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
You Might Also Like
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
We need more people like this.