Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)