good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“i am a sweet baby”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.