My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store