I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Cheers Twitter.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!