She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver