No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.