Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.