I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?