“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
sliding into dms like
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.