When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.