My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”