“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun