monday
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?