[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
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Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
worst…sale…ever
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings