[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Not even remotely sorry.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”