I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?