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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.