Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Software Development ⛵️
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?