Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Raisins are grape jerky.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.