I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
❤️🦆
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Namaste