Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Just this preview of the story is enough
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
It has been 3 years since Monday.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.