All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?