Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Yup
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?