North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
need him
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
much to think about
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
“What movie?” 🤔
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.