Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You Might Also Like
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
💁🏻♂️
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?