Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
(Musicians.)
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO