the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
no their not
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.