If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?