I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
March 16
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
need him
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”