Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit